Fill up your cup first

There’s nothing wrong with me or YOU.

But there's something not right about the things that we think we need to do to be accepted, fit in, belong and feel worthy. To conform to the norms that do not serve us. Such as the beliefs that we have to be able to do everything and that we cannot stop or perhaps in many cases we do not allow ourselves to stop and take a break, because hey there's so much to do and not enough time in a day right? One example, who's in this day of age can luxuriate themselves in 30 mins lunch break? We have to sit at our desk to eat our lunch, right? We just work our butts off, including through our lunch, because if we don't and we take a lunch break, oh God forbid what our colleagues or bosses are going to say about us? And of course, we cannot possibly ask for help when we're up to here in the neck with mountains of work to do. I mean that's still not enough because when we get home, there are endless jobs still to do - cooking, cleaning, tidying up and before we know it's time for bloody bed!

There are few things here that I'd like to address. And I'd like to address boundaries; how we treat ourselves is how we show, allow and accept how people treat us. 
You set the tone.

You do not need to be a martyr or superwoman where you say yes to everything and you do not need to do everything yourself. Be realistic about your own expectations. Know what you need - to eat, drink, take a break, walk, sleep, sit and do nothing; these are just some examples of your basic needs. Tend to these basic needs first. Fulfilling these needs isn't a luxury, it's a necessity because without which you're not OK. So you decide what your needs are and then make sure you do them. Say yes to your needs first, then you'll feel more ready to say yes to other things (within reason).

For those who don't know what I did before, I used to work in a multi-role profession, say yes to many things - because it was my job and I wanted to do my job well. I wanted to fit in, be accepted and feel my worth. I was running around like a headless chicken agreeing to do too many things and lost sight of the things that were happening right under my nose. Because this is what happens when you're too busy running around after jobs and people, you lose sight and become disconnected from yourself.

I feel you, your pain, your frustration and I want to help to find ways to come back to you again.

It's OK to say no. It's OK to say you're tired. It's OK to say that you have already got too much on. It's OK to ask for help. It's absolutely bloody OK to say no to others but it NOT OK for you not to be OK.

Fill up your cup first. You’ve got this!

What are you going to say NO to today so that you can have a breather and tend to your needs?

Let me know in the comments below.

Thanks for reading and I hope it resonates with you.

Claryn xx

Take care of you first.

Take care of you first.

Being a mother: a personal insight

Upon hearing a friend saying that she didn’t want to have a child but did and loved him after he was born, my daughter immediately asked me if she was ‘wanted’. I looked at her and said 'yes'. She said 'good'. I don’t know why but her spontaneity and directness took me by surprise and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I don’t think it was something that I could ask my mother.

At 16, my daughter is honest, matter-of-fact and saying it as it is. I admire this in her. She’s such a strong character already, and raw. As a parent I feel I have to be diplomatic and objective. She’s a very sensitive soul and I always want her to be able to be herself, ask without hesitation and express herself freely. I never want her to feel unwanted or unworthy. Although at times I may not agree with her I try my best to be diplomatic and objective so that I don’t make her feel wronged, unvalued or unworthy in expressing her opinions, thoughts and feelings. I’m teaching her to be mindful and thoughtful in a way that she doesn’t realise she’s taking it in and I can only hope that she can carry herself with grace. Which I think she does a lot of the time.

Being a mother, parent is undoubtedly the most stressful and difficult job. And equally the most rewarding and beautiful job. It’s a balancing act all the time. Having worked with many mothers and working mothers in the past, it is without a doubt that our wellbeing is definitely of paramount importance for us to function and flourish as individuals, mothers, wives, and working mothers. From professional and personal experience I really cannot stress highly and deeply enough that we really do have to look after ourselves first before we can effectively or fruitfully function in our multiple roles. 

To be good enough role models, to spend quality time with our children and family, to be present, to be available and to respond to the needs of our children. Because children pick up on the things that we do and not always what we say. Investing in our own wellbeing means we invest in the wellbeing of our children too. A lot of the things that I know now I wish I knew when my children were much younger. We can’t change the past and as parents being good enough is enough for our children. As long as we have tried and keep trying our best. Because that is all they ask for. Children are very resilient and forgiving and as parents we want to preserve and protect that.

As mothers of daughters, if we continue to fail to make our own needs met and always put others first, our daughters will see that this is acceptable and 'the' thing to do. Consequently, they grow up repeating the cycle. I certainly want my daughter to put her needs first so that she can continue to flourish, see herself as being the most important person in the world first so that she can be her best, do her best and give her best to serve others. And I am trying my best to teach her by setting a good example.

(She chose me to be her mum, there was no way on this earth I would consider refusing).

Cortona, Tuscany, July 2018

Cortona, Tuscany, July 2018

Investing in yourself

This is the subject that's close to my heart and one that I often battle with myself. But I believe it is a huge part of self worth. How so? Let me explain and then I'd love to know your views.

Whether it is eating well which can cost a lot of money and create confusion of what to buy, cook and eat, cooking which does take a lot of time sometimes, having treatment such as massage and other complementary therapies, taking up short courses to update your skills and knowledge, studying for a career change and working with trainers, mentors and coaches for business, lifestyle or health reasons. They all use money, effort and time. I don't know about you but the general feelings that I get is that often people think twice about this; I certainly used to, all the time, and tried to justify whether it was worth the money and time, what would be the compromise etc etc. Then the guilt and fear set in, what if this and that. The results of the things that we invest in ourselves tend not to be instant or are always directly visible or concrete, right? For example, that your body feels relaxed after a massage, you feel good after a workout that might show as sweat and red face but you can't see the result immediately, and when you've been studying you may not necessarily implement everything at once and you may not be able to see the result immediately either. If you can't yourself, how can you convince people how it's made the difference to you? It's not like having our done and nails done that we can see the result immediately or putting on new clothes or shoes.

Investing time, money and energy into ourselves is a form of self-worth and self-respect. Why would we not deserve to eat well and eat right so that our body can take care of us? Why would we not treat ourselves because our body is crying for it? We would do anything if it was our children, we would make them feel better, why would we often think twice, three times, forever when it came to meeting our needs? Why would we hesitate to invest in ourselves? Our whole-being is on an endless journey, wouldn't we invest in a car for it work effectively and efficiently to take us on to our travels? Why would we not do it to our body, our precious self? Surely we're worth millions over the cars?

I was toying on the idea this morning whether to book myself in for a massage this morning for my neck and shoulders which have been painful for a couple of weeks now (practising yoga does help eases them) and my left arm which I injured a month ago and doesn't seem to resolve despite stretching and moving it. I was toying because I felt guilty spending yet more ££ on me but I needed it, because I need not to feel pain or numbness that I can't lift heavy stuff and every time I move in certain ways it hurts. It's annoying and frustrating. So anyway I decided, I've tried everything and I now need help. It's absolutely OK to surrender and ask for help. We all need others to help us. It's more than OK to invest in our lives, health and well-being. In fact it's more than OK, it's a necessity. If you don't invest in yourself, who will?

It's the feeling that I get when I make an investment in myself; the feeling that I'm worth my own energy, money and time. I'm worth of my love, care, compassion and affection. It makes me feel whole, that I matter and I deserve to feel good and happy about myself so that I can be of service to many and make a difference. And I do keep saying this, when I, you, us feel good and happy when can so show our best, do our best for the best people in our lives. By investing in ourselves we also and support ourselves and others who help and support us achieve our goals in life and health every single day, so that they can invest in themselves and support more people. Together we can do so much good in this life and planet.

Over to you now, I'd love you to share your views on this. Feel free to comment, DM or email me and let me know if how I can be helpful to you. And if you'd like to know more how health coaching can work for you, do not hesitate to drop me a line

Thank you for your time reading this. It means so much to me and please share it to anyone who might need to read this too.

Love and light 

Claryn xx

Forgiveness sets you free

In order to move forward with your life, you have to forgive things that happened in your past and begin to let it go. It can be difficult to forgive when you've been really hurt. But I do believe forgiveness really sets you free because it gives your power back. Keeping anger and resentment inside you is toxic for your soul. By forgiving others, you're forgiving yourself too as you're giving permission to yourself to move on as you let go of those who no longer serve you. Can you see how this gives your power back? I felt the force to write a piece of forgiveness this morning after having yet another week of muddle as a way of releasing the tensions that had built up this week which drained my energy. I was not intending to publish it but I feel the need to as I wanted to share with you the positive impact it has in releasing all the negative emotions and energy and to encourage you to do the same when you're ready. But ready or not, just start writing. It feels empowering for me as it's freed up my energy to reclaim and activate my power again.

So, here goes....

I forgive my past life for giving me an unhappy and difficult childhood, for my mother who made me unhappy and feel scared of her most of the time because, looking back, she was probably scared herself, unhappy and frustrated and didn't know what to do or how to express her unmet needs that she had to be like 'that'. I forgive those people who slapped me across my face, ridicule, bully, make fun of, hurt, lied to, used, stole from me and broke my heart. Because without them I wouldn't be where I am today.

I forgive myself for being difficult, defensive, stubborn, hard, selfish, moody, ungrateful and at times difficult to love because I didn't love myself and felt unworthy of deserving and receiving pure love. I forgive myself for allowing those people to make me feel like that. I forgive myself for being suspicious and thinking the worst of people when they rejected me because I had to protect my heart for being hurt and I thought I had to be strong and hard so I could prevent from hurting. I forgive myself for wanting to fit in and be accepted to have a sense of belongings because I couldn't accept myself and express who I was, where I was from and what I was made of. 

I forgive myself for being unkind to myself when I denied help, love, attention and support offered to me. I forgive myself for all the bad things I did as a child because I wanted to be accepted and what other people had. I forgive myself for not believing in me. MOST of all, I forgive myself for not accepting and loving myself.

Without all those experiences, I would not have been where I am today, sitting in my kitchen, in my warm beautiful country home writing this and feeling such immense gratitude and blessing that fills my heart chambers to the brim and overflowing. It has taught me self-compassion, dignity, respect, honesty, loyalty, integrity, and the greatest of all, LOVE. It has taught me to be independent, driven and determined to always do my best to get what I want. It has led me to define my soul purpose in life. For that I AM so incredibly BLESSED and GRATEFUL.

Lots of light and love

Claryn xxx

Taking care of you

I used to think that self care was about all the nice things that I treated myself to such as pedicure, massage, lunches and coffee. I'm not saying it isn't, but it's more to it than that. I believe it's about everything and anything that nourishes, nurtures, and respects your body, mind and soul. It takes practice, lots of practices. For many, including me, having an intention is a great way to start the ball rolling. But making a start can be hard because 'there's always tomorrow' kind of thinking. Sometimes we overthink things about where or how to start, what it is that we need to do and how we can start doing it. Then excuses sometimes follow thick and fast. Well, as you know, making excuses isn't going to change anything. Overthinking isn't going to get you anywhere. But action will. Good intention followed by action will get you started and motivated. When you start seeing and feeling the difference will keep you going. Once you get going, it becomes a habit and eventually it becomes a lifestyle and a way of life. It requires determination and motivation to get into the mindset 'OK, I'm doing this for ME. To change my life, how I feel about myself, my life and my health, make me feel happier, sleep better, take control and so on.

The most important thing for me is inner peace. This is my biggest motivation and drive. Practising self care is essential and non-negotiable. It happens everyday. Being mindful about what you're doing, saying and feeling in itself is an act of self-care; it's a good start if you're not sure or don't know how you could possibly embed it in your daily routine. It's also about being gentle and kind with yourself.

Now, have a think, write things down and let me know, if you'd like, what is or has been your motivation to start or change something that you know going to be good for you? Did you go and do it or did you make any excuses? Be honest with yourself. What have you tried and stopped doing for whatever reason? What has been your roadblocks or success?

I so want to help women to take care of themselves better first so they can give the world and their loved ones their best. I have had a lot of help, from friends, personal trainer to business coach and everything else in between. It can be difficult to ask for help because we think we have to know and do everything. Asking for help too is an act of self care. Why suffer alone when you don't need or shouldn't have to. It's also not easy to change bad habits and stick to the new ones, it really can be hard to be accountable to yourself. So this is where I come in as your coach, someone who you're accountable to and to motivate and inspire you, to guide and support you instil the positive changes which are sustainable in the long term.

In the meantime, here's my top tips to start your self-care practice:

  • Be gentle and kind with yourself, you're doing your best. When you're having a bad day or have had a bad day, find a quiet moment, take few deep breaths - inhale fully and and slowly, then exhale slowly and steadily. You're having a bad day, not a bad life - think about what happened, what you did about it and what you'd do if it happens again. Think about how you dealt with that situation, what could you have done differently. Forgive yourself, forgive others and make peace with yourself. Move on knowing you've done your best in that particular situation.
  • Be mindful about what you say, do and feel. They way we say, do and feel reflect what's happening inside us - are they in alignment? If not, what's happening and why? Journaling is excellent to pour out your thoughts. I find when I journal I reflect and find what has worked, not worked, should let go and learn more. It helps me to learn more about myself.
  • Show up for yourself. Do something for you every single day. Move - go for a walk, even it's only 15 minutes, or workout to improve your fitness level. Stillness and focus - meditate, journal deep breathing exercises. Attend to the chores that you've put off. Rest. This is all 'me' time. These are the practices that I do, you all have different routines and practices, but the message is just 'do something for YOU' that will benefit your health and wellbeing. Make this non-negotiable.

When these become a routine, other things will follow more easily, because you've started prioritising you. I'd love to hear from you so let me know what you think and I can be of any further help, just drop me a line. 

You can sign up for my FREE Daily Journal prompt to help you get started and sign up for my newsletter. I have TWO spaces for 6 or 12 week coaching sessions in January. More details can be found in here.

Have a beautiful week ahead and remember be gentle with yourself, you're doing your best.

Lots of love

Claryn xx