What do you need to be OK?
Do you know what your needs are?
The social conditioning of women’s role as caregivers and nurturers is so well-embedded in our society, it is hardly surprising that the need to meet our own needs goes out of the window because many of us feel that it will clash with fulfilling our ‘duties and expectations’ which are to meet the needs of others first.
This often results in us neglecting our needs, conflicts and resentment, which consequently affect others too, especially our loved ones. Prior to starting working with me, my client AM struggled with self-care. As a result, she got into bad habits that affected her health - constant exhaustion due to poor sleep resulting in her being grumpy and low energy levels. I’d been in her shoes operating from superwoman like AM was - pushing, getting the deadlines met, everything was a rush and expecting that things would run like clockwork because when they didn’t, all hells broke loose! She was continually exhausted, frustrated and resentful that she often ended up screaming at her loved ones until her throat hurt. She missed having fun with her children, her days looked grey because she had no joy in what she did. Her relationship with her partner was strained as evenings would be a couple bottles of wine as they slouched on the sofa.
AM wanted to feel belonged and fit in that she said yes to everything.
I don’t want her or any kids growing up knowing this is what adults do. I don’t want kids growing up thinking they have to be superwoman or martyr. I don’t want kids growing up thinking they have to be people pleasers in order to belong, fit in and be accepted.
Through our work together, AM realised things had got to change.
The 3 fundamental things that I teach my clients like AM are:
Prioritise their basic needs
How to say No
Build 3 Habits of Connection.
Just because AM prioritised her basic needs, it did not mean she neglected the needs of her children. It meant she included herself as a priority. Saying No to others means you say Yes to you. This is how we start building healthy boundaries. It’s not easy, takes practice and can be done without guilt. Having boundaries is self-respect. How we treat ourselves is how we teach others to treat us; e.g. not allowing people to take advantage of you, drain your energy, waste your time. It feels empowering.
When you feel empowered, you start to feel confident again. You become a role model to those around you. It’s a win-win outcome. It can prevent conflict, frustration and resentment because everyone knows where they stand.
Your needs need to be met in order for you to be in the state of OK, ideally on a daily basis. I categorise my needs into four sections - physiological, psychological, relational and spiritual. Fulfilling everyone’s needs is not your responsibility but fulfilling yours IS.
The Habits of Connection is a practice that gets you into a good habit of being present to the here and now, expressing gratitude and connecting with your spirituality which will help you feel more at peace and ease with yourself and life in general.
I’d like to invite you to give yourself an acknowledgment that you’re doing your best as a working mum and forgive yourself for not doing everything. Your children will learn this from you.
Pick up my Burnout to Bloom Guide to start on your journey to a more fulfilling and enriching life.
I’m always here to help. And don’t wait too long when you can change something that will make you happier.
So are you ready and willing to rise above this social conditioning?
