How moaning can have a positive effect

We've all come across people who like to moan, haven't we, myself included. In a workplace that's full of women, especially in a toxic or unhealthy environment, there's almost a guarantee that there's always something to moan about. Often it's about the same thing and often it drags other people down.

Moaning, complaining, throwing a toy (or all of the toys) out of the pram can be healthy, therapeutic, even healing.

But it won't be when there's no space to do it safely.

What do I mean by that?

Here’s an example.

In a meeting, person A said how busy she was and how she didn't know how she could take any new thing on; and she knew that everyone was in the same boat.

Person B replied 'Well we've just got to get on with it and do what we can'. 

Person A then said 'I know that but I just want to moan about it' and laughed. [Good for her for saying this].

Person B meant well - she went straight to the rescue mode and in doing so she stopped person A to express further about how she felt.

Person A was simply 'moaning' to get that off her chest and likely also saying what we were all thinking but she wasn't allowed the space to do it.

Does this sound familiar?

The pattern of and reliving childhood trauma. are being repeated at subconscious level.

When we observe others who try to speak up and get shut down, it's sending a message that it's pointless and for them, deep down they might be thinking: 'I'm stupid' or 'my opinion doesn't matter', 'my feeling doesn't count', 'It's not safe to speak up'. As a result they can either become numb or resentful and keep the emotions suppressed. 

Either way, they take it out elsewhere and it becomes more toxic.

I'm not saying person B was a bad person or did anything wrong, she meant well and responded the best she knew how (maybe some discomfort too on her part, maybe she felt helpless); just like what our parents did their best even when they couldn't recognise or meet our emotional needs.

I was glad person A responded stating that she just wanted to moan. Many probably wouldn't, so it was good that she set an example.

I wanted to get things off my chest the other day and met by a rescuer, I shut off immediately and ended up swearing in private. Moaning and groaning done - I felt better. Some people don't have this capacity yet and how they vent their pent-up energy could be damaging to their close relationships and/or even their job.

So next time you hear someone else moan, don't rescue, offer help, try to fix or offer solution immediately. Instead give them the gift of being heard, seen and listened to. When they create their own internal space, they can work it out for themselves and ask for help if they need to. It's far more empowering.

That said, you don't have to listen if you don't want to, you can always walk away from the situation. It's self-care.

Observe what's going on for you, get curious and see what you find within you.

And if you're the one who needs to moan but 'not allowed', you can say something similar to person A, or tell people they you have got something you need to get off your chest and ask them to simply listen (or tell them whatever it is you need first).

So , have you got something to moan about or get off your chest lately?

Tell me, I'm listening.

Just hit the reply button!

Your words are always safe with me.

If you find this useful, feel free to forward to your friends.

Claryn xxx

PS - the other type of moaner is just someone who constantly moans for the sake of moaning - it's their comfort zone.

PPs - there's nothing wrong with that, but it's exhausting and unhealthy.