Setting Your Boundaries With A Narcissistic Mother
Setting boundaries and protecting them is one of the kindest and most effective things we can do to support ourselves; and in the case of a narcissistic mother, it is the key to keeping that troubled relationship as healthy as it can be.
Boundaries help us to establish the behaviour we are prepared to accept from others; they can guide our decision making; and they nourish our self-worth. They don’t just benefit us as individuals, either: those who love and support us will feel the effects of the peace they can bring us as well.
Once they’re in place, however, boundaries can be very unpopular with the people who don’t benefit from them; and when that person is your mother, it can be difficult to stop those boundaries being breached, which rarely ends well for our emotional and mental health.
In this post, we’ll look at how to create boundaries with your mother and decide what their limits are; how it feels when those boundaries are breached; what we can do to keep those boundaries strong; and how to honour and respect them in future.
Setting your boundaries
Have a think about the times that have taken their biggest toll on you. What happened? Was it something your mother did, or said – or both? Establish exactly what causes you distress, and then decide on the words or behaviour you are happy to accept – and what you are not. These are your boundaries.
Perhaps certain subjects will no longer be up for discussion; perhaps you will only allow her to spend a set amount of time with you, or in certain places only; perhaps you won’t take calls or messages from her after a certain time. Perhaps she will no longer be allowed to pass judgement on you, your family or your job. Establishing how you want the relationship to be will help you to say “no”, and guard against those times of distress from even occurring. Putting these boundaries in place gives you the tools to stop issues before they happen.
Remember that you don’t need to explain or justify any of this to her, either. It’s up to you what information you share. Your boundaries are your rules, and there’s no need to explain your thoughts, feelings, or actions if you don’t want to. Explaining them is likely to lead to challenge and criticism – and if you want to avoid that, you can do so with another boundary.
Boundary Breaches
Once they’re set, you need to enforce them. This is the difficult part. So perhaps the criticism will start; or the sulking, or the emotional blackmail, the passive-aggressiveness: this is where you need to find the strength to say “I’m not happy discussing that any more – I’d rather we talked about something else.”
These new boundaries may come as a shock to her, as she will no longer be able to treat you the way she always has done, and suddenly being told that her behaviour is unacceptable will take some getting used to. The chances are she will not like it, and she will probably push to breach your boundaries on the first occasion you try to enforce them.
When you get these kicks back against your boundaries, there are some interesting neurological effects, very similar to those feelings you’ll get when conflict happens. You will most likely feel it physically as well as emotionally, just like the physical feelings of fear. Wherever in your body you normally feel that apprehension, tension and fear – in your chest, your stomach, your shoulders, your hands, or your feet – that’s where you’ll feel the warning signs of a boundary breach. You may even get that jolt of adrenalin that comes with “fight, flight or fawn” mode. All of these things are signals for you to stand firm and stick to your guns.
Keeping your Boundaries in Place
Making sure your mother knows what’s acceptable and what isn’t is one thing – but how do you stop yourself from letting her behave the way she always has – breaching your own boundaries? It can be tempting, especially if you’re naturally a people-pleaser who is uncomfortable with conflict (and these habits and feelings go back decades of your life, after all). But you know better than anyone what the effect of letting her treat you that way will be – so the kindest thing you can do for yourself is going to be one of the toughest, but with the greatest benefits.
It’s up to you to recognise that a breach is happening (remember the physical feelings in your body? Pay attention to that), to make a conscious decision to stop it, and to make sure your mother is aware that she has crossed your boundaries. After all, she doesn’t know these rules yet, and clear and direct communication is the only way to let her know that you’re not prepared to put up with her behaviour any longer.
The key to this is developing your assertiveness, and you can start small – for example, when your order is wrong at a restaurant, raise it immediately; if a friend said something that seemed a little hurtful, meet for a coffee and tell them how you feel; remind a colleague who’s asking too much at work that you have your own tasks to achieve. The more you practise, the easier it will become to inhabit this new, assertive and confident you – a You who feels better equipped to challenge your most difficult relationship; a You who knows what is acceptable and what isn’t, and who has consequences in place for when those boundaries are breached.
Consistent Consequences
If you found assertiveness a tough one to practise, this is where boundary work gets even harder – but it’s where the magic happens. If your mother persists with crossing your boundaries, in spite of your warnings, there needs to be a consequence. You need to decide what that will be when you set your boundaries, and you need to be prepared to enforce it – whether it’s changing the subject from one you’re unhappy with and sticking with it, ending the conversation entirely by putting down the phone or walking away, or by refusing to see her until she accepts the new standards, and changes her behaviour.
It’s not easy to dish out consequences to someone so close to us. Your mother has held power in your relationship for a long time, and she will likely paint this new development in you as all-out rebellion against her authority. But staying strong will reap the greatest rewards. The benefits of the emotional equilibrium that your boundaries will bring are enormous, and will improve your physical as well as your mental health: spending extended periods of time in that heightened state of stress and fear takes a serious toll on both, for you and your loved ones.
Strong boundaries and consistent consequences will bring you a state of calm confidence: being sure of what you’ll accept and what you won’t, and how you will deal with it if your mother won’t respect that. Easy to plan, and harder to enforce; but with immeasurable rewards.
Let me know if you’ve found this article helpful and if you want to discuss further, either leave a reply/comment or book a call.
Sending love, compassion and gratitude.
You’ve got this!
Claryn xxx
PS - if you’d like to have a chat with, book an Exploratory Call here.
