selfacceptance

Your perception of me is....

I feel I have the need to write about why we care so much about what other people think of us. I used to care and worry too much about what people thought of me and it felt like everything I did, I had to ask myself so many questions such as how would it/I look, what would I look like, would it be approved, what if nobody liked it, what if people talked about me behind my back, what would they think if I said this and the list went on.

Looking back, I think it stemmed from being bullied in school. I felt I was doing things and behaving for other people's approval and feeling the pressure to perfect everything. Being bullied made me behave 'accordingly' to prevent the bullying recurring. But behaving 'accordingly' by the bully's standard made me so unhappy and had to put a happy front. It also made me feel so uncomfortable and always insecure as I would wait for bully to say something nice and make me feel better and secure again; to validate me essentially (she would be nice to me when she needed my help). I made myself feel inadequate as I consumed myself with negative thoughts such as 'what's wrong with me? if only I had this, if only I was that, if only I was't, didn't', and struggled to do things with ease because I felt so bad about myself and was fighting with myself constantly, blaming me for being me. 

This impact of this experience stayed with me for a long time. Worrying and caring too much what other people would think of me; would I be bullied again if I didn't behave in certain way. Would I be liked and fit it? I can't remember exactly what the turning point was, either something I read or heard or someone said; the penny dropped. I was fed up with being unhappy and allowing constant negativity. From that day onward, I started answering my own question with another question. In fact a whole new dialogue started in my head. For example: 'what would they say if I did this, said this?' 
So, I answered this question with another question 'so what if they said this that and the other, would it change my life?'. I would say that when we're worrying about what others think of us, it's mostly us doubting our own uniqueness, truth and bravery. 

Being worried about what others think is our own judgment and reflection of ourselves. We can spend too much time thinking what other people think of us and stopping us in our way, and in reality they probably couldn't careless; each of us has our own issue. I've become more mindful when I hear people passing judgment or undesirable comments about others; they're probably unhappy with themselves or their situation and maybe by passing undesirable comments about others or criticising others, might make them feel happier.

But I doubt it. I learnt those who do, lack self-compassion and therefore feel difficult to show compassion towards others. They probably have their own issues and instead of addressing them, they choose to ignore and bury them, and prefer to talk about other people. Their opinions don't matter. And we ought to learn to stop wasting our time and energy worrying about others and continue living our lives. When we start judging others, we judge ourselves too. They judge themselves too and may well be a reflection of their own circumstances. We can't know and control what other people think of us, it's none of our business. But what we can do is choose how we respond to it, and how we respond it is how we treat ourselves, with kindness and gentleness and we forgive them because we rise above it. Only us who can decide whether to allow what people think of us affect our lives.

The way we treat ourselves is how we teach others to treat us. We have to learn to build healthy boundaries. When we respect ourselves, people will too. It doesn't mean we're mean or inflexible or unhelpful, it means we're treating ourself well and people will see that and they will do the same. In fact people will admire you 'Gosh I wish I could be like her'. We can set a great example as we become more confident, true and authentic to our own uniqueness.

I just wanted you to ask yourself this one question first: 'is what they think going to change my life?'. It might trigger something else in your life that you might like to change, but you do it for you to make your life better and not for other people. Be yourself because the right people will stay, be loyal and faithful to you and as for the rest, you know the answer to that. Don't be afraid to lose friends or even family. You have the longest relationship with yourself, so be true to you, be honest with yourself. The discomfort, heartache, difficult feelings and emotions will come up and that's normal, honour them, work through them, you'll find the answers of what's true and meaningful to you. Embrace and love that.

As for me, I'm still working on embracing the wholeness of myself too and doing my own things that is aligned and true to me and if people think it's weird or whatever else, they're entitled to their own opinions but I know my own reality is and is not based on their opinion. Even though it does cross my mind what others might think of me, I'm human, I turn it around and say to myself 'does it matter?'

I leave you with this quote:

"Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me" - Unknown

Sending love Claryn xx

Forgiveness sets you free

In order to move forward with your life, you have to forgive things that happened in your past and begin to let it go. It can be difficult to forgive when you've been really hurt. But I do believe forgiveness really sets you free because it gives your power back. Keeping anger and resentment inside you is toxic for your soul. By forgiving others, you're forgiving yourself too as you're giving permission to yourself to move on as you let go of those who no longer serve you. Can you see how this gives your power back? I felt the force to write a piece of forgiveness this morning after having yet another week of muddle as a way of releasing the tensions that had built up this week which drained my energy. I was not intending to publish it but I feel the need to as I wanted to share with you the positive impact it has in releasing all the negative emotions and energy and to encourage you to do the same when you're ready. But ready or not, just start writing. It feels empowering for me as it's freed up my energy to reclaim and activate my power again.

So, here goes....

I forgive my past life for giving me an unhappy and difficult childhood, for my mother who made me unhappy and feel scared of her most of the time because, looking back, she was probably scared herself, unhappy and frustrated and didn't know what to do or how to express her unmet needs that she had to be like 'that'. I forgive those people who slapped me across my face, ridicule, bully, make fun of, hurt, lied to, used, stole from me and broke my heart. Because without them I wouldn't be where I am today.

I forgive myself for being difficult, defensive, stubborn, hard, selfish, moody, ungrateful and at times difficult to love because I didn't love myself and felt unworthy of deserving and receiving pure love. I forgive myself for allowing those people to make me feel like that. I forgive myself for being suspicious and thinking the worst of people when they rejected me because I had to protect my heart for being hurt and I thought I had to be strong and hard so I could prevent from hurting. I forgive myself for wanting to fit in and be accepted to have a sense of belongings because I couldn't accept myself and express who I was, where I was from and what I was made of. 

I forgive myself for being unkind to myself when I denied help, love, attention and support offered to me. I forgive myself for all the bad things I did as a child because I wanted to be accepted and what other people had. I forgive myself for not believing in me. MOST of all, I forgive myself for not accepting and loving myself.

Without all those experiences, I would not have been where I am today, sitting in my kitchen, in my warm beautiful country home writing this and feeling such immense gratitude and blessing that fills my heart chambers to the brim and overflowing. It has taught me self-compassion, dignity, respect, honesty, loyalty, integrity, and the greatest of all, LOVE. It has taught me to be independent, driven and determined to always do my best to get what I want. It has led me to define my soul purpose in life. For that I AM so incredibly BLESSED and GRATEFUL.

Lots of light and love

Claryn xxx

Being yourself is good

I just love this statement from Toff (I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here). Being yourself is not only good, it's amazing, fabulous and wonderful. We're gifted and magical stardusts. Each of us has a light that's always shining brightly lighting up the way, but sometimes we forget to switch it on. When we do, we often allow someone else to dim it without realising. The more dimmed it gets, the darker it is and when it's dark we can't see so we continue to be in dark wondering, following, lacking in direction, getting lost and way lost we forget how to get back until perhaps something hits us.

Can you relate to this? 

When we're in the dark place, we give freedom for the negative self-talks to have a good old natter, you can almost hear the ego saying 'you can't do that, you're not good enough' and the more you hear it the more you believe. This is the brain that wants to protect us, but it doesn't allow us to grow. We have the ability and responsibility to change the way we think. If we keep thinking the same things, we will get the same result (more or less). The change starts with you. Start asking yourself these questions: 'how long have I been telling the same story? How bored am I with that story? What stopped me from moving from that place? How ready and willing am I to move from that place?'.

Your past does not define you because it's no longer here. You're being called to be in the present moment. The present presents you with a field to infinite possibilities. Be present and enjoy the present.

By being yourself, you can find your true voice that speaks authenticity, the real you expressing who you really are and who you arrived here to be. You may have arrived with a lot of baggage but you won't be the only one. Everyone has a baggage and carries a secret but we shouldn't be ashamed of them because they bring us to where we are today. Feeling and being ashamed is like dishonouring or dismissing ourselves. We should honour our feelings and beings because then we won't allow our baggages and secrets blocking our ways. If we lost our ways, we couldn't be possibly our true authentic selves. And that's really hard work because it feels like we've got to find something external to fulfil our lives. And yet, what we are looking for we already have it inside us.

Forgiving yourself is one of the kindest things you'll ever do to yourself

Start letting go of self-judgment. You're possibly your hardest critic. Why would you criticise yourself? What would you say to the younger version of you? Don't make it easy for someone else to judge you. Instead, make it easy for people to love you by being yourself, accepting who you are and loving yourself. Because then you won't really care what people think of you as you have RECLAIMED your power being YOU. The energy flows when you're being your true self because your vibes speak loud and clear.

So, be the best you can be, care for yourself at the highest level, nurture and nourish your mind, body and spirit so that they're always in alignment.

Being yourself is the most amazing, beautiful and wonderful thing you can ever do. it sets you FREE.

Always

Claryn xx

Why having self-worth is important

Lately, I’ve been thinking about self-worth rather a lot. I believe this the foundation for self-confidence. Self-worth also goes hand-in-hand with self-acceptance, self-respect and self-love.

For years, I battled with self-acceptance comparing myself with other people and wanting what they had or to be like them. It felt like it was a constant race to achieve more in order to be better so I could have a ‘place’, to belong somewhere, to fit in and be accepted and to feel worthy. It’s nothing wrong of course to want to better yourself but not if it’s going to be the measure of your worth.

On the outside, I considered myself successful in my career and education. But on the inside there was a missing jigsaw piece in the puzzle. I felt a lack of contentment because I didn’t feel what I’d done was worthy or good enough, which was why I felt the need to ‘better’ myself.

For half of my childhood, I was brought up by my paternal grandparents and living with and surrounded by my extended families. As a child, I always worked hard for my education because not only I wanted to do well for myself but I also felt I had to prove to my family that I was worth looking after and it was a gesture of gratitude. My upbringing was so strict that in order to be noticed and get what I asked, I had to behave well and be obedient. I was often not heard and certainly was hardly asked for opinions. I was told what to do and I would do them, sometime begrudgingly. (I always have had rebel streaks in me and now and again they would come out to play with quite dire consequences! I don’t like being told what to do, but then again, who does?!). Achieving good grades in school was a token of success. Don’t get me wrong, of course, achievements should be celebrated but the expense to achieve the success was not even considered. You know, like happiness. It was mostly about being clever – working hard to achieve good grades and being in the top three in class. I know they meant well, they instilled the hard-working ethics to achieve the desired success.

The hard-working ethics continued throughout my adult life, even now, as I have always wanted to ‘have a good life’. But the meaning of ‘having a good life’ looked and felt different from then to now. It was more than having a successful career and education, although they were important to me too. These days, it means having a sense self-worth and believing that I’m worthy and deserving of what I want. I wish I had realised this sooner because having a lack sense of self-worth affected my confidence and held me back.

It’s not what you are that is holding you back. It’s what you think you are not – Anonymous

As I learned that I didn’t need to be noticed, valued or accepted by anyone to be worthy, I gradually began to accept, value and love myself as I am.  Believing that you’re worthy of what you want feels liberating and awakening at the same time.

My experiences happened for me and not to me and they shaped my path to be where I am and how I am today – hardworking, resilient, ambitious, yet fair, compassionate, and caring.

Self-respect, self-worth and self-love, all start with self. Stop looking outside of yourself for your value –Rob Liano

Self-worth comes from thinking that you ARE a good person and deserve good things. You determine your self-worth so you don’t have to depend on somebody telling you who you are or what your worth is or what you deserve. And your worth doesn’t decrease when others can’t see or appreciate it because the best part of self-worth is just it SELF worth and not others’ worth.

Do you often feel that you're not worthy or deserving of what you want? No matter what it is, do you feel guilty for wanting it, let alone thinking you deserve to have it? What makes you feel this way?

What experiences did you have that had impacts on your ability to see your self-worth? 

Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don’t make it wait any longer - Steve Maraboli.

Through self-acceptance, came self-love. To be accepted by others, you have to accept yourself first.

Much love

Claryn

 

 

 

 

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