Being a mother: a personal insight

Upon hearing a friend saying that she didn’t want to have a child but did and loved him after he was born, my daughter immediately asked me if she was ‘wanted’. I looked at her and said 'yes'. She said 'good'. I don’t know why but her spontaneity and directness took me by surprise and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I don’t think it was something that I could ask my mother.

At 16, my daughter is honest, matter-of-fact and saying it as it is. I admire this in her. She’s such a strong character already, and raw. As a parent I feel I have to be diplomatic and objective. She’s a very sensitive soul and I always want her to be able to be herself, ask without hesitation and express herself freely. I never want her to feel unwanted or unworthy. Although at times I may not agree with her I try my best to be diplomatic and objective so that I don’t make her feel wronged, unvalued or unworthy in expressing her opinions, thoughts and feelings. I’m teaching her to be mindful and thoughtful in a way that she doesn’t realise she’s taking it in and I can only hope that she can carry herself with grace. Which I think she does a lot of the time.

Being a mother, parent is undoubtedly the most stressful and difficult job. And equally the most rewarding and beautiful job. It’s a balancing act all the time. Having worked with many mothers and working mothers in the past, it is without a doubt that our wellbeing is definitely of paramount importance for us to function and flourish as individuals, mothers, wives, and working mothers. From professional and personal experience I really cannot stress highly and deeply enough that we really do have to look after ourselves first before we can effectively or fruitfully function in our multiple roles. 

To be good enough role models, to spend quality time with our children and family, to be present, to be available and to respond to the needs of our children. Because children pick up on the things that we do and not always what we say. Investing in our own wellbeing means we invest in the wellbeing of our children too. A lot of the things that I know now I wish I knew when my children were much younger. We can’t change the past and as parents being good enough is enough for our children. As long as we have tried and keep trying our best. Because that is all they ask for. Children are very resilient and forgiving and as parents we want to preserve and protect that.

As mothers of daughters, if we continue to fail to make our own needs met and always put others first, our daughters will see that this is acceptable and 'the' thing to do. Consequently, they grow up repeating the cycle. I certainly want my daughter to put her needs first so that she can continue to flourish, see herself as being the most important person in the world first so that she can be her best, do her best and give her best to serve others. And I am trying my best to teach her by setting a good example.

(She chose me to be her mum, there was no way on this earth I would consider refusing).

Cortona, Tuscany, July 2018

Cortona, Tuscany, July 2018

Your perception of me is....

I feel I have the need to write about why we care so much about what other people think of us. I used to care and worry too much about what people thought of me and it felt like everything I did, I had to ask myself so many questions such as how would it/I look, what would I look like, would it be approved, what if nobody liked it, what if people talked about me behind my back, what would they think if I said this and the list went on.

Looking back, I think it stemmed from being bullied in school. I felt I was doing things and behaving for other people's approval and feeling the pressure to perfect everything. Being bullied made me behave 'accordingly' to prevent the bullying recurring. But behaving 'accordingly' by the bully's standard made me so unhappy and had to put a happy front. It also made me feel so uncomfortable and always insecure as I would wait for bully to say something nice and make me feel better and secure again; to validate me essentially (she would be nice to me when she needed my help). I made myself feel inadequate as I consumed myself with negative thoughts such as 'what's wrong with me? if only I had this, if only I was that, if only I was't, didn't', and struggled to do things with ease because I felt so bad about myself and was fighting with myself constantly, blaming me for being me. 

This impact of this experience stayed with me for a long time. Worrying and caring too much what other people would think of me; would I be bullied again if I didn't behave in certain way. Would I be liked and fit it? I can't remember exactly what the turning point was, either something I read or heard or someone said; the penny dropped. I was fed up with being unhappy and allowing constant negativity. From that day onward, I started answering my own question with another question. In fact a whole new dialogue started in my head. For example: 'what would they say if I did this, said this?' 
So, I answered this question with another question 'so what if they said this that and the other, would it change my life?'. I would say that when we're worrying about what others think of us, it's mostly us doubting our own uniqueness, truth and bravery. 

Being worried about what others think is our own judgment and reflection of ourselves. We can spend too much time thinking what other people think of us and stopping us in our way, and in reality they probably couldn't careless; each of us has our own issue. I've become more mindful when I hear people passing judgment or undesirable comments about others; they're probably unhappy with themselves or their situation and maybe by passing undesirable comments about others or criticising others, might make them feel happier.

But I doubt it. I learnt those who do, lack self-compassion and therefore feel difficult to show compassion towards others. They probably have their own issues and instead of addressing them, they choose to ignore and bury them, and prefer to talk about other people. Their opinions don't matter. And we ought to learn to stop wasting our time and energy worrying about others and continue living our lives. When we start judging others, we judge ourselves too. They judge themselves too and may well be a reflection of their own circumstances. We can't know and control what other people think of us, it's none of our business. But what we can do is choose how we respond to it, and how we respond it is how we treat ourselves, with kindness and gentleness and we forgive them because we rise above it. Only us who can decide whether to allow what people think of us affect our lives.

The way we treat ourselves is how we teach others to treat us. We have to learn to build healthy boundaries. When we respect ourselves, people will too. It doesn't mean we're mean or inflexible or unhelpful, it means we're treating ourself well and people will see that and they will do the same. In fact people will admire you 'Gosh I wish I could be like her'. We can set a great example as we become more confident, true and authentic to our own uniqueness.

I just wanted you to ask yourself this one question first: 'is what they think going to change my life?'. It might trigger something else in your life that you might like to change, but you do it for you to make your life better and not for other people. Be yourself because the right people will stay, be loyal and faithful to you and as for the rest, you know the answer to that. Don't be afraid to lose friends or even family. You have the longest relationship with yourself, so be true to you, be honest with yourself. The discomfort, heartache, difficult feelings and emotions will come up and that's normal, honour them, work through them, you'll find the answers of what's true and meaningful to you. Embrace and love that.

As for me, I'm still working on embracing the wholeness of myself too and doing my own things that is aligned and true to me and if people think it's weird or whatever else, they're entitled to their own opinions but I know my own reality is and is not based on their opinion. Even though it does cross my mind what others might think of me, I'm human, I turn it around and say to myself 'does it matter?'

I leave you with this quote:

"Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me" - Unknown

Sending love Claryn xx

If it's still in your mind, it's worth taking a risk

If it’s still in your mind, it’s worth taking a risk
— Paulo Coelho

A month ago I took the plunge and resigned from my job as a health visitor to concentrate fully on my coaching business. It had been in my mind for a while and finally I had the go ahead from the heart to go and do it. If not now, when? It was not a decision I took upon lightly, it was very much considered and to be honest with you, trying to run a business properly and working full time, as well as being a mum and running a household isn't an easy task, so something had to give. When I set my heart on something, I have to give it wholeheartedly with everything that I have. So here I am; whilst still working my notice in, I can't help but feeling light, excited, joyful and happy having finally made this huge step with a tiny bit feeling of "OMG what have I done?". I know I will be just fine. Everything will be fine. I have belief in me, it's a risk bloody worth taking. I'm worth taking a risk for.

I have always been a bit of a rebel, especially as a child. The rebellious streak has always been there deeply rooted and now and again it will resurface but it's never left me. The rebel in me wanted to come out having had enough of being told what to do, how to do and to justify what I'm doing. It's not wrong but I simply don't want to conform anymore. On a more serious note though, I'm grateful for the experiences and opportunities as without those I wouldn't be here. Nevertheless when what you do no longer aligns with your heart and soul, for me, it doesn't feel right anymore to continue. Work is a huge part of life. It is life. I believe in doing something that I have passions and desire for that gives me that joy, satisfaction and fulfilment and serves my life's purpose.

My purpose makes my heart happy. You can be courageous or comfortable. But you can’t be both
— Unknown

Making one of the biggest and perhaps the scariest decisions of my life felt like homecoming. I am coming home to me. I feel now I can make my life's purpose live. I am free to choose what I want to do, to be creative and create, to channel my energy more positively, to take inspired action and inspire others, to share my passion and to express myself more authentically, freely and confidently. And more excitingly I'm co-creating something magical with the Universe. 

I can't see the whole stair cases but I've just taken the first step. Life is short and yet it's a long time. One must do what feels right and go where the heart leads. I have a lot to learn and everyday is a school day! It's exciting and scary at the same time but that's where growth happens and magic awaits. It's never too late to try new things. Everyday gives a new opportunity so use it or lose it. It's your life and only you can make things happen for you. I'm so grateful beyond words that I have this opportunity to start again and create a life I have always dreamed about. 

Love and light

Claryn xxx

Forgiveness sets you free

In order to move forward with your life, you have to forgive things that happened in your past and begin to let it go. It can be difficult to forgive when you've been really hurt. But I do believe forgiveness really sets you free because it gives your power back. Keeping anger and resentment inside you is toxic for your soul. By forgiving others, you're forgiving yourself too as you're giving permission to yourself to move on as you let go of those who no longer serve you. Can you see how this gives your power back? I felt the force to write a piece of forgiveness this morning after having yet another week of muddle as a way of releasing the tensions that had built up this week which drained my energy. I was not intending to publish it but I feel the need to as I wanted to share with you the positive impact it has in releasing all the negative emotions and energy and to encourage you to do the same when you're ready. But ready or not, just start writing. It feels empowering for me as it's freed up my energy to reclaim and activate my power again.

So, here goes....

I forgive my past life for giving me an unhappy and difficult childhood, for my mother who made me unhappy and feel scared of her most of the time because, looking back, she was probably scared herself, unhappy and frustrated and didn't know what to do or how to express her unmet needs that she had to be like 'that'. I forgive those people who slapped me across my face, ridicule, bully, make fun of, hurt, lied to, used, stole from me and broke my heart. Because without them I wouldn't be where I am today.

I forgive myself for being difficult, defensive, stubborn, hard, selfish, moody, ungrateful and at times difficult to love because I didn't love myself and felt unworthy of deserving and receiving pure love. I forgive myself for allowing those people to make me feel like that. I forgive myself for being suspicious and thinking the worst of people when they rejected me because I had to protect my heart for being hurt and I thought I had to be strong and hard so I could prevent from hurting. I forgive myself for wanting to fit in and be accepted to have a sense of belongings because I couldn't accept myself and express who I was, where I was from and what I was made of. 

I forgive myself for being unkind to myself when I denied help, love, attention and support offered to me. I forgive myself for all the bad things I did as a child because I wanted to be accepted and what other people had. I forgive myself for not believing in me. MOST of all, I forgive myself for not accepting and loving myself.

Without all those experiences, I would not have been where I am today, sitting in my kitchen, in my warm beautiful country home writing this and feeling such immense gratitude and blessing that fills my heart chambers to the brim and overflowing. It has taught me self-compassion, dignity, respect, honesty, loyalty, integrity, and the greatest of all, LOVE. It has taught me to be independent, driven and determined to always do my best to get what I want. It has led me to define my soul purpose in life. For that I AM so incredibly BLESSED and GRATEFUL.

Lots of light and love

Claryn xxx

Taking care of you

I used to think that self care was about all the nice things that I treated myself to such as pedicure, massage, lunches and coffee. I'm not saying it isn't, but it's more to it than that. I believe it's about everything and anything that nourishes, nurtures, and respects your body, mind and soul. It takes practice, lots of practices. For many, including me, having an intention is a great way to start the ball rolling. But making a start can be hard because 'there's always tomorrow' kind of thinking. Sometimes we overthink things about where or how to start, what it is that we need to do and how we can start doing it. Then excuses sometimes follow thick and fast. Well, as you know, making excuses isn't going to change anything. Overthinking isn't going to get you anywhere. But action will. Good intention followed by action will get you started and motivated. When you start seeing and feeling the difference will keep you going. Once you get going, it becomes a habit and eventually it becomes a lifestyle and a way of life. It requires determination and motivation to get into the mindset 'OK, I'm doing this for ME. To change my life, how I feel about myself, my life and my health, make me feel happier, sleep better, take control and so on.

The most important thing for me is inner peace. This is my biggest motivation and drive. Practising self care is essential and non-negotiable. It happens everyday. Being mindful about what you're doing, saying and feeling in itself is an act of self-care; it's a good start if you're not sure or don't know how you could possibly embed it in your daily routine. It's also about being gentle and kind with yourself.

Now, have a think, write things down and let me know, if you'd like, what is or has been your motivation to start or change something that you know going to be good for you? Did you go and do it or did you make any excuses? Be honest with yourself. What have you tried and stopped doing for whatever reason? What has been your roadblocks or success?

I so want to help women to take care of themselves better first so they can give the world and their loved ones their best. I have had a lot of help, from friends, personal trainer to business coach and everything else in between. It can be difficult to ask for help because we think we have to know and do everything. Asking for help too is an act of self care. Why suffer alone when you don't need or shouldn't have to. It's also not easy to change bad habits and stick to the new ones, it really can be hard to be accountable to yourself. So this is where I come in as your coach, someone who you're accountable to and to motivate and inspire you, to guide and support you instil the positive changes which are sustainable in the long term.

In the meantime, here's my top tips to start your self-care practice:

  • Be gentle and kind with yourself, you're doing your best. When you're having a bad day or have had a bad day, find a quiet moment, take few deep breaths - inhale fully and and slowly, then exhale slowly and steadily. You're having a bad day, not a bad life - think about what happened, what you did about it and what you'd do if it happens again. Think about how you dealt with that situation, what could you have done differently. Forgive yourself, forgive others and make peace with yourself. Move on knowing you've done your best in that particular situation.
  • Be mindful about what you say, do and feel. They way we say, do and feel reflect what's happening inside us - are they in alignment? If not, what's happening and why? Journaling is excellent to pour out your thoughts. I find when I journal I reflect and find what has worked, not worked, should let go and learn more. It helps me to learn more about myself.
  • Show up for yourself. Do something for you every single day. Move - go for a walk, even it's only 15 minutes, or workout to improve your fitness level. Stillness and focus - meditate, journal deep breathing exercises. Attend to the chores that you've put off. Rest. This is all 'me' time. These are the practices that I do, you all have different routines and practices, but the message is just 'do something for YOU' that will benefit your health and wellbeing. Make this non-negotiable.

When these become a routine, other things will follow more easily, because you've started prioritising you. I'd love to hear from you so let me know what you think and I can be of any further help, just drop me a line. 

You can sign up for my FREE Daily Journal prompt to help you get started and sign up for my newsletter. I have TWO spaces for 6 or 12 week coaching sessions in January. More details can be found in here.

Have a beautiful week ahead and remember be gentle with yourself, you're doing your best.

Lots of love

Claryn xx

Being yourself is good

I just love this statement from Toff (I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here). Being yourself is not only good, it's amazing, fabulous and wonderful. We're gifted and magical stardusts. Each of us has a light that's always shining brightly lighting up the way, but sometimes we forget to switch it on. When we do, we often allow someone else to dim it without realising. The more dimmed it gets, the darker it is and when it's dark we can't see so we continue to be in dark wondering, following, lacking in direction, getting lost and way lost we forget how to get back until perhaps something hits us.

Can you relate to this? 

When we're in the dark place, we give freedom for the negative self-talks to have a good old natter, you can almost hear the ego saying 'you can't do that, you're not good enough' and the more you hear it the more you believe. This is the brain that wants to protect us, but it doesn't allow us to grow. We have the ability and responsibility to change the way we think. If we keep thinking the same things, we will get the same result (more or less). The change starts with you. Start asking yourself these questions: 'how long have I been telling the same story? How bored am I with that story? What stopped me from moving from that place? How ready and willing am I to move from that place?'.

Your past does not define you because it's no longer here. You're being called to be in the present moment. The present presents you with a field to infinite possibilities. Be present and enjoy the present.

By being yourself, you can find your true voice that speaks authenticity, the real you expressing who you really are and who you arrived here to be. You may have arrived with a lot of baggage but you won't be the only one. Everyone has a baggage and carries a secret but we shouldn't be ashamed of them because they bring us to where we are today. Feeling and being ashamed is like dishonouring or dismissing ourselves. We should honour our feelings and beings because then we won't allow our baggages and secrets blocking our ways. If we lost our ways, we couldn't be possibly our true authentic selves. And that's really hard work because it feels like we've got to find something external to fulfil our lives. And yet, what we are looking for we already have it inside us.

Forgiving yourself is one of the kindest things you'll ever do to yourself

Start letting go of self-judgment. You're possibly your hardest critic. Why would you criticise yourself? What would you say to the younger version of you? Don't make it easy for someone else to judge you. Instead, make it easy for people to love you by being yourself, accepting who you are and loving yourself. Because then you won't really care what people think of you as you have RECLAIMED your power being YOU. The energy flows when you're being your true self because your vibes speak loud and clear.

So, be the best you can be, care for yourself at the highest level, nurture and nourish your mind, body and spirit so that they're always in alignment.

Being yourself is the most amazing, beautiful and wonderful thing you can ever do. it sets you FREE.


Claryn xx

Why having self-worth is important

Lately, I’ve been thinking about self-worth rather a lot. I believe this the foundation for self-confidence. Self-worth also goes hand-in-hand with self-acceptance, self-respect and self-love.

For years, I battled with self-acceptance comparing myself with other people and wanting what they had or to be like them. It felt like it was a constant race to achieve more in order to be better so I could have a ‘place’, to belong somewhere, to fit in and be accepted and to feel worthy. It’s nothing wrong of course to want to better yourself but not if it’s going to be the measure of your worth.

On the outside, I considered myself successful in my career and education. But on the inside there was a missing jigsaw piece in the puzzle. I felt a lack of contentment because I didn’t feel what I’d done was worthy or good enough, which was why I felt the need to ‘better’ myself.

For half of my childhood, I was brought up by my paternal grandparents and living with and surrounded by my extended families. As a child, I always worked hard for my education because not only I wanted to do well for myself but I also felt I had to prove to my family that I was worth looking after and it was a gesture of gratitude. My upbringing was so strict that in order to be noticed and get what I asked, I had to behave well and be obedient. I was often not heard and certainly was hardly asked for opinions. I was told what to do and I would do them, sometime begrudgingly. (I always have had rebel streaks in me and now and again they would come out to play with quite dire consequences! I don’t like being told what to do, but then again, who does?!). Achieving good grades in school was a token of success. Don’t get me wrong, of course, achievements should be celebrated but the expense to achieve the success was not even considered. You know, like happiness. It was mostly about being clever – working hard to achieve good grades and being in the top three in class. I know they meant well, they instilled the hard-working ethics to achieve the desired success.

The hard-working ethics continued throughout my adult life, even now, as I have always wanted to ‘have a good life’. But the meaning of ‘having a good life’ looked and felt different from then to now. It was more than having a successful career and education, although they were important to me too. These days, it means having a sense self-worth and believing that I’m worthy and deserving of what I want. I wish I had realised this sooner because having a lack sense of self-worth affected my confidence and held me back.

It’s not what you are that is holding you back. It’s what you think you are not – Anonymous

As I learned that I didn’t need to be noticed, valued or accepted by anyone to be worthy, I gradually began to accept, value and love myself as I am.  Believing that you’re worthy of what you want feels liberating and awakening at the same time.

My experiences happened for me and not to me and they shaped my path to be where I am and how I am today – hardworking, resilient, ambitious, yet fair, compassionate, and caring.

Self-respect, self-worth and self-love, all start with self. Stop looking outside of yourself for your value –Rob Liano

Self-worth comes from thinking that you ARE a good person and deserve good things. You determine your self-worth so you don’t have to depend on somebody telling you who you are or what your worth is or what you deserve. And your worth doesn’t decrease when others can’t see or appreciate it because the best part of self-worth is just it SELF worth and not others’ worth.

Do you often feel that you're not worthy or deserving of what you want? No matter what it is, do you feel guilty for wanting it, let alone thinking you deserve to have it? What makes you feel this way?

What experiences did you have that had impacts on your ability to see your self-worth? 

Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don’t make it wait any longer - Steve Maraboli.

Through self-acceptance, came self-love. To be accepted by others, you have to accept yourself first.

Much love






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