selfdevelopment

Your perception of me is....

I feel I have the need to write about why we care so much about what other people think of us. I used to care and worry too much about what people thought of me and it felt like everything I did, I had to ask myself so many questions such as how would it/I look, what would I look like, would it be approved, what if nobody liked it, what if people talked about me behind my back, what would they think if I said this and the list went on.

Looking back, I think it stemmed from being bullied in school. I felt I was doing things and behaving for other people's approval and feeling the pressure to perfect everything. Being bullied made me behave 'accordingly' to prevent the bullying recurring. But behaving 'accordingly' by the bully's standard made me so unhappy and had to put a happy front. It also made me feel so uncomfortable and always insecure as I would wait for bully to say something nice and make me feel better and secure again; to validate me essentially (she would be nice to me when she needed my help). I made myself feel inadequate as I consumed myself with negative thoughts such as 'what's wrong with me? if only I had this, if only I was that, if only I was't, didn't', and struggled to do things with ease because I felt so bad about myself and was fighting with myself constantly, blaming me for being me. 

This impact of this experience stayed with me for a long time. Worrying and caring too much what other people would think of me; would I be bullied again if I didn't behave in certain way. Would I be liked and fit it? I can't remember exactly what the turning point was, either something I read or heard or someone said; the penny dropped. I was fed up with being unhappy and allowing constant negativity. From that day onward, I started answering my own question with another question. In fact a whole new dialogue started in my head. For example: 'what would they say if I did this, said this?' 
So, I answered this question with another question 'so what if they said this that and the other, would it change my life?'. I would say that when we're worrying about what others think of us, it's mostly us doubting our own uniqueness, truth and bravery. 

Being worried about what others think is our own judgment and reflection of ourselves. We can spend too much time thinking what other people think of us and stopping us in our way, and in reality they probably couldn't careless; each of us has our own issue. I've become more mindful when I hear people passing judgment or undesirable comments about others; they're probably unhappy with themselves or their situation and maybe by passing undesirable comments about others or criticising others, might make them feel happier.

But I doubt it. I learnt those who do, lack self-compassion and therefore feel difficult to show compassion towards others. They probably have their own issues and instead of addressing them, they choose to ignore and bury them, and prefer to talk about other people. Their opinions don't matter. And we ought to learn to stop wasting our time and energy worrying about others and continue living our lives. When we start judging others, we judge ourselves too. They judge themselves too and may well be a reflection of their own circumstances. We can't know and control what other people think of us, it's none of our business. But what we can do is choose how we respond to it, and how we respond it is how we treat ourselves, with kindness and gentleness and we forgive them because we rise above it. Only us who can decide whether to allow what people think of us affect our lives.

The way we treat ourselves is how we teach others to treat us. We have to learn to build healthy boundaries. When we respect ourselves, people will too. It doesn't mean we're mean or inflexible or unhelpful, it means we're treating ourself well and people will see that and they will do the same. In fact people will admire you 'Gosh I wish I could be like her'. We can set a great example as we become more confident, true and authentic to our own uniqueness.

I just wanted you to ask yourself this one question first: 'is what they think going to change my life?'. It might trigger something else in your life that you might like to change, but you do it for you to make your life better and not for other people. Be yourself because the right people will stay, be loyal and faithful to you and as for the rest, you know the answer to that. Don't be afraid to lose friends or even family. You have the longest relationship with yourself, so be true to you, be honest with yourself. The discomfort, heartache, difficult feelings and emotions will come up and that's normal, honour them, work through them, you'll find the answers of what's true and meaningful to you. Embrace and love that.

As for me, I'm still working on embracing the wholeness of myself too and doing my own things that is aligned and true to me and if people think it's weird or whatever else, they're entitled to their own opinions but I know my own reality is and is not based on their opinion. Even though it does cross my mind what others might think of me, I'm human, I turn it around and say to myself 'does it matter?'

I leave you with this quote:

"Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me" - Unknown

Sending love Claryn xx

Investing in yourself

This is the subject that's close to my heart and one that I often battle with myself. But I believe it is a huge part of self worth. How so? Let me explain and then I'd love to know your views.

Whether it is eating well which can cost a lot of money and create confusion of what to buy, cook and eat, cooking which does take a lot of time sometimes, having treatment such as massage and other complementary therapies, taking up short courses to update your skills and knowledge, studying for a career change and working with trainers, mentors and coaches for business, lifestyle or health reasons. They all use money, effort and time. I don't know about you but the general feelings that I get is that often people think twice about this; I certainly used to, all the time, and tried to justify whether it was worth the money and time, what would be the compromise etc etc. Then the guilt and fear set in, what if this and that. The results of the things that we invest in ourselves tend not to be instant or are always directly visible or concrete, right? For example, that your body feels relaxed after a massage, you feel good after a workout that might show as sweat and red face but you can't see the result immediately, and when you've been studying you may not necessarily implement everything at once and you may not be able to see the result immediately either. If you can't yourself, how can you convince people how it's made the difference to you? It's not like having our done and nails done that we can see the result immediately or putting on new clothes or shoes.

Investing time, money and energy into ourselves is a form of self-worth and self-respect. Why would we not deserve to eat well and eat right so that our body can take care of us? Why would we not treat ourselves because our body is crying for it? We would do anything if it was our children, we would make them feel better, why would we often think twice, three times, forever when it came to meeting our needs? Why would we hesitate to invest in ourselves? Our whole-being is on an endless journey, wouldn't we invest in a car for it work effectively and efficiently to take us on to our travels? Why would we not do it to our body, our precious self? Surely we're worth millions over the cars?

I was toying on the idea this morning whether to book myself in for a massage this morning for my neck and shoulders which have been painful for a couple of weeks now (practising yoga does help eases them) and my left arm which I injured a month ago and doesn't seem to resolve despite stretching and moving it. I was toying because I felt guilty spending yet more ££ on me but I needed it, because I need not to feel pain or numbness that I can't lift heavy stuff and every time I move in certain ways it hurts. It's annoying and frustrating. So anyway I decided, I've tried everything and I now need help. It's absolutely OK to surrender and ask for help. We all need others to help us. It's more than OK to invest in our lives, health and well-being. In fact it's more than OK, it's a necessity. If you don't invest in yourself, who will?

It's the feeling that I get when I make an investment in myself; the feeling that I'm worth my own energy, money and time. I'm worth of my love, care, compassion and affection. It makes me feel whole, that I matter and I deserve to feel good and happy about myself so that I can be of service to many and make a difference. And I do keep saying this, when I, you, us feel good and happy when can so show our best, do our best for the best people in our lives. By investing in ourselves we also and support ourselves and others who help and support us achieve our goals in life and health every single day, so that they can invest in themselves and support more people. Together we can do so much good in this life and planet.

Over to you now, I'd love you to share your views on this. Feel free to comment, DM or email me and let me know if how I can be helpful to you. And if you'd like to know more how health coaching can work for you, do not hesitate to drop me a line claryn@clarynnicholas.com.

Thank you for your time reading this. It means so much to me and please share it to anyone who might need to read this too.

Love and light 

Claryn xx

If it's still in your mind, it's worth taking a risk

If it’s still in your mind, it’s worth taking a risk
— Paulo Coelho

A month ago I took the plunge and resigned from my job as a health visitor to concentrate fully on my coaching business. It had been in my mind for a while and finally I had the go ahead from the heart to go and do it. If not now, when? It was not a decision I took upon lightly, it was very much considered and to be honest with you, trying to run a business properly and working full time, as well as being a mum and running a household isn't an easy task, so something had to give. When I set my heart on something, I have to give it wholeheartedly with everything that I have. So here I am; whilst still working my notice in, I can't help but feeling light, excited, joyful and happy having finally made this huge step with a tiny bit feeling of "OMG what have I done?". I know I will be just fine. Everything will be fine. I have belief in me, it's a risk bloody worth taking. I'm worth taking a risk for.

I have always been a bit of a rebel, especially as a child. The rebellious streak has always been there deeply rooted and now and again it will resurface but it's never left me. The rebel in me wanted to come out having had enough of being told what to do, how to do and to justify what I'm doing. It's not wrong but I simply don't want to conform anymore. On a more serious note though, I'm grateful for the experiences and opportunities as without those I wouldn't be here. Nevertheless when what you do no longer aligns with your heart and soul, for me, it doesn't feel right anymore to continue. Work is a huge part of life. It is life. I believe in doing something that I have passions and desire for that gives me that joy, satisfaction and fulfilment and serves my life's purpose.

My purpose makes my heart happy. You can be courageous or comfortable. But you can’t be both
— Unknown

Making one of the biggest and perhaps the scariest decisions of my life felt like homecoming. I am coming home to me. I feel now I can make my life's purpose live. I am free to choose what I want to do, to be creative and create, to channel my energy more positively, to take inspired action and inspire others, to share my passion and to express myself more authentically, freely and confidently. And more excitingly I'm co-creating something magical with the Universe. 

I can't see the whole stair cases but I've just taken the first step. Life is short and yet it's a long time. One must do what feels right and go where the heart leads. I have a lot to learn and everyday is a school day! It's exciting and scary at the same time but that's where growth happens and magic awaits. It's never too late to try new things. Everyday gives a new opportunity so use it or lose it. It's your life and only you can make things happen for you. I'm so grateful beyond words that I have this opportunity to start again and create a life I have always dreamed about. 

Love and light

Claryn xxx