personal development

Your perception of me is....

I feel I have the need to write about why we care so much about what other people think of us. I used to care and worry too much about what people thought of me and it felt like everything I did, I had to ask myself so many questions such as how would it/I look, what would I look like, would it be approved, what if nobody liked it, what if people talked about me behind my back, what would they think if I said this and the list went on.

Looking back, I think it stemmed from being bullied in school. I felt I was doing things and behaving for other people's approval and feeling the pressure to perfect everything. Being bullied made me behave 'accordingly' to prevent the bullying recurring. But behaving 'accordingly' by the bully's standard made me so unhappy and had to put a happy front. It also made me feel so uncomfortable and always insecure as I would wait for bully to say something nice and make me feel better and secure again; to validate me essentially (she would be nice to me when she needed my help). I made myself feel inadequate as I consumed myself with negative thoughts such as 'what's wrong with me? if only I had this, if only I was that, if only I was't, didn't', and struggled to do things with ease because I felt so bad about myself and was fighting with myself constantly, blaming me for being me. 

This impact of this experience stayed with me for a long time. Worrying and caring too much what other people would think of me; would I be bullied again if I didn't behave in certain way. Would I be liked and fit it? I can't remember exactly what the turning point was, either something I read or heard or someone said; the penny dropped. I was fed up with being unhappy and allowing constant negativity. From that day onward, I started answering my own question with another question. In fact a whole new dialogue started in my head. For example: 'what would they say if I did this, said this?' 
So, I answered this question with another question 'so what if they said this that and the other, would it change my life?'. I would say that when we're worrying about what others think of us, it's mostly us doubting our own uniqueness, truth and bravery. 

Being worried about what others think is our own judgment and reflection of ourselves. We can spend too much time thinking what other people think of us and stopping us in our way, and in reality they probably couldn't careless; each of us has our own issue. I've become more mindful when I hear people passing judgment or undesirable comments about others; they're probably unhappy with themselves or their situation and maybe by passing undesirable comments about others or criticising others, might make them feel happier.

But I doubt it. I learnt those who do, lack self-compassion and therefore feel difficult to show compassion towards others. They probably have their own issues and instead of addressing them, they choose to ignore and bury them, and prefer to talk about other people. Their opinions don't matter. And we ought to learn to stop wasting our time and energy worrying about others and continue living our lives. When we start judging others, we judge ourselves too. They judge themselves too and may well be a reflection of their own circumstances. We can't know and control what other people think of us, it's none of our business. But what we can do is choose how we respond to it, and how we respond it is how we treat ourselves, with kindness and gentleness and we forgive them because we rise above it. Only us who can decide whether to allow what people think of us affect our lives.

The way we treat ourselves is how we teach others to treat us. We have to learn to build healthy boundaries. When we respect ourselves, people will too. It doesn't mean we're mean or inflexible or unhelpful, it means we're treating ourself well and people will see that and they will do the same. In fact people will admire you 'Gosh I wish I could be like her'. We can set a great example as we become more confident, true and authentic to our own uniqueness.

I just wanted you to ask yourself this one question first: 'is what they think going to change my life?'. It might trigger something else in your life that you might like to change, but you do it for you to make your life better and not for other people. Be yourself because the right people will stay, be loyal and faithful to you and as for the rest, you know the answer to that. Don't be afraid to lose friends or even family. You have the longest relationship with yourself, so be true to you, be honest with yourself. The discomfort, heartache, difficult feelings and emotions will come up and that's normal, honour them, work through them, you'll find the answers of what's true and meaningful to you. Embrace and love that.

As for me, I'm still working on embracing the wholeness of myself too and doing my own things that is aligned and true to me and if people think it's weird or whatever else, they're entitled to their own opinions but I know my own reality is and is not based on their opinion. Even though it does cross my mind what others might think of me, I'm human, I turn it around and say to myself 'does it matter?'

I leave you with this quote:

"Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me" - Unknown

Sending love Claryn xx

Investing in yourself

This is the subject that's close to my heart and one that I often battle with myself. But I believe it is a huge part of self worth. How so? Let me explain and then I'd love to know your views.

Whether it is eating well which can cost a lot of money and create confusion of what to buy, cook and eat, cooking which does take a lot of time sometimes, having treatment such as massage and other complementary therapies, taking up short courses to update your skills and knowledge, studying for a career change and working with trainers, mentors and coaches for business, lifestyle or health reasons. They all use money, effort and time. I don't know about you but the general feelings that I get is that often people think twice about this; I certainly used to, all the time, and tried to justify whether it was worth the money and time, what would be the compromise etc etc. Then the guilt and fear set in, what if this and that. The results of the things that we invest in ourselves tend not to be instant or are always directly visible or concrete, right? For example, that your body feels relaxed after a massage, you feel good after a workout that might show as sweat and red face but you can't see the result immediately, and when you've been studying you may not necessarily implement everything at once and you may not be able to see the result immediately either. If you can't yourself, how can you convince people how it's made the difference to you? It's not like having our done and nails done that we can see the result immediately or putting on new clothes or shoes.

Investing time, money and energy into ourselves is a form of self-worth and self-respect. Why would we not deserve to eat well and eat right so that our body can take care of us? Why would we not treat ourselves because our body is crying for it? We would do anything if it was our children, we would make them feel better, why would we often think twice, three times, forever when it came to meeting our needs? Why would we hesitate to invest in ourselves? Our whole-being is on an endless journey, wouldn't we invest in a car for it work effectively and efficiently to take us on to our travels? Why would we not do it to our body, our precious self? Surely we're worth millions over the cars?

I was toying on the idea this morning whether to book myself in for a massage this morning for my neck and shoulders which have been painful for a couple of weeks now (practising yoga does help eases them) and my left arm which I injured a month ago and doesn't seem to resolve despite stretching and moving it. I was toying because I felt guilty spending yet more ££ on me but I needed it, because I need not to feel pain or numbness that I can't lift heavy stuff and every time I move in certain ways it hurts. It's annoying and frustrating. So anyway I decided, I've tried everything and I now need help. It's absolutely OK to surrender and ask for help. We all need others to help us. It's more than OK to invest in our lives, health and well-being. In fact it's more than OK, it's a necessity. If you don't invest in yourself, who will?

It's the feeling that I get when I make an investment in myself; the feeling that I'm worth my own energy, money and time. I'm worth of my love, care, compassion and affection. It makes me feel whole, that I matter and I deserve to feel good and happy about myself so that I can be of service to many and make a difference. And I do keep saying this, when I, you, us feel good and happy when can so show our best, do our best for the best people in our lives. By investing in ourselves we also and support ourselves and others who help and support us achieve our goals in life and health every single day, so that they can invest in themselves and support more people. Together we can do so much good in this life and planet.

Over to you now, I'd love you to share your views on this. Feel free to comment, DM or email me and let me know if how I can be helpful to you. And if you'd like to know more how health coaching can work for you, do not hesitate to drop me a line claryn@clarynnicholas.com.

Thank you for your time reading this. It means so much to me and please share it to anyone who might need to read this too.

Love and light 

Claryn xx

Being yourself is good

I just love this statement from Toff (I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here). Being yourself is not only good, it's amazing, fabulous and wonderful. We're gifted and magical stardusts. Each of us has a light that's always shining brightly lighting up the way, but sometimes we forget to switch it on. When we do, we often allow someone else to dim it without realising. The more dimmed it gets, the darker it is and when it's dark we can't see so we continue to be in dark wondering, following, lacking in direction, getting lost and way lost we forget how to get back until perhaps something hits us.

Can you relate to this? 

When we're in the dark place, we give freedom for the negative self-talks to have a good old natter, you can almost hear the ego saying 'you can't do that, you're not good enough' and the more you hear it the more you believe. This is the brain that wants to protect us, but it doesn't allow us to grow. We have the ability and responsibility to change the way we think. If we keep thinking the same things, we will get the same result (more or less). The change starts with you. Start asking yourself these questions: 'how long have I been telling the same story? How bored am I with that story? What stopped me from moving from that place? How ready and willing am I to move from that place?'.

Your past does not define you because it's no longer here. You're being called to be in the present moment. The present presents you with a field to infinite possibilities. Be present and enjoy the present.

By being yourself, you can find your true voice that speaks authenticity, the real you expressing who you really are and who you arrived here to be. You may have arrived with a lot of baggage but you won't be the only one. Everyone has a baggage and carries a secret but we shouldn't be ashamed of them because they bring us to where we are today. Feeling and being ashamed is like dishonouring or dismissing ourselves. We should honour our feelings and beings because then we won't allow our baggages and secrets blocking our ways. If we lost our ways, we couldn't be possibly our true authentic selves. And that's really hard work because it feels like we've got to find something external to fulfil our lives. And yet, what we are looking for we already have it inside us.

Forgiving yourself is one of the kindest things you'll ever do to yourself

Start letting go of self-judgment. You're possibly your hardest critic. Why would you criticise yourself? What would you say to the younger version of you? Don't make it easy for someone else to judge you. Instead, make it easy for people to love you by being yourself, accepting who you are and loving yourself. Because then you won't really care what people think of you as you have RECLAIMED your power being YOU. The energy flows when you're being your true self because your vibes speak loud and clear.

So, be the best you can be, care for yourself at the highest level, nurture and nourish your mind, body and spirit so that they're always in alignment.

Being yourself is the most amazing, beautiful and wonderful thing you can ever do. it sets you FREE.

Always

Claryn xx

Why having self-worth is important

Lately, I’ve been thinking about self-worth rather a lot. I believe this the foundation for self-confidence. Self-worth also goes hand-in-hand with self-acceptance, self-respect and self-love.

For years, I battled with self-acceptance comparing myself with other people and wanting what they had or to be like them. It felt like it was a constant race to achieve more in order to be better so I could have a ‘place’, to belong somewhere, to fit in and be accepted and to feel worthy. It’s nothing wrong of course to want to better yourself but not if it’s going to be the measure of your worth.

On the outside, I considered myself successful in my career and education. But on the inside there was a missing jigsaw piece in the puzzle. I felt a lack of contentment because I didn’t feel what I’d done was worthy or good enough, which was why I felt the need to ‘better’ myself.

For half of my childhood, I was brought up by my paternal grandparents and living with and surrounded by my extended families. As a child, I always worked hard for my education because not only I wanted to do well for myself but I also felt I had to prove to my family that I was worth looking after and it was a gesture of gratitude. My upbringing was so strict that in order to be noticed and get what I asked, I had to behave well and be obedient. I was often not heard and certainly was hardly asked for opinions. I was told what to do and I would do them, sometime begrudgingly. (I always have had rebel streaks in me and now and again they would come out to play with quite dire consequences! I don’t like being told what to do, but then again, who does?!). Achieving good grades in school was a token of success. Don’t get me wrong, of course, achievements should be celebrated but the expense to achieve the success was not even considered. You know, like happiness. It was mostly about being clever – working hard to achieve good grades and being in the top three in class. I know they meant well, they instilled the hard-working ethics to achieve the desired success.

The hard-working ethics continued throughout my adult life, even now, as I have always wanted to ‘have a good life’. But the meaning of ‘having a good life’ looked and felt different from then to now. It was more than having a successful career and education, although they were important to me too. These days, it means having a sense self-worth and believing that I’m worthy and deserving of what I want. I wish I had realised this sooner because having a lack sense of self-worth affected my confidence and held me back.

It’s not what you are that is holding you back. It’s what you think you are not – Anonymous

As I learned that I didn’t need to be noticed, valued or accepted by anyone to be worthy, I gradually began to accept, value and love myself as I am.  Believing that you’re worthy of what you want feels liberating and awakening at the same time.

My experiences happened for me and not to me and they shaped my path to be where I am and how I am today – hardworking, resilient, ambitious, yet fair, compassionate, and caring.

Self-respect, self-worth and self-love, all start with self. Stop looking outside of yourself for your value –Rob Liano

Self-worth comes from thinking that you ARE a good person and deserve good things. You determine your self-worth so you don’t have to depend on somebody telling you who you are or what your worth is or what you deserve. And your worth doesn’t decrease when others can’t see or appreciate it because the best part of self-worth is just it SELF worth and not others’ worth.

Do you often feel that you're not worthy or deserving of what you want? No matter what it is, do you feel guilty for wanting it, let alone thinking you deserve to have it? What makes you feel this way?

What experiences did you have that had impacts on your ability to see your self-worth? 

Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don’t make it wait any longer - Steve Maraboli.

Through self-acceptance, came self-love. To be accepted by others, you have to accept yourself first.

Much love

Claryn

 

 

 

 

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